The Literary Salon

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Location: Toronto, now Ottawa, Ont, Canada

Friday, September 15, 2006

For Adults Only

I found this classic list today that I originally read years ago. It's a funny reminder of everything porn has taught us.

I know this is academic, but I simply couldn't refuse. I especially love the one, "Asian men don't exist."

1 Comments:

Blogger Dr J said...

Forgotten lessons:

>> Sex is always consequence- and regret-free.
>> Every scene in life's great drama eventually leads to somebody gettin' a little somethin'-somethin'.
>> Buying dinner is never necessary; men don't have to take women to restaurants, and women don't have to pay for the pizzas they order.
>> Foreplay isn't necessary, either. Smarmy, steely glances are enough to get things rolling.
>> Forget beds; stairwells and scaffolds are the new places of choice.
>> The soundtracks of our lives are provided by musicians whose names are crude adjectival phrases like "rock hard" and "rough riding."
>> Women never play hard-to-get.
>> Men never have to work to get it.
>> Creepy old guys are chick-magnets. The hairier their backs, the better.
>> Cheerleaders and platinum blondes are always omnivores in training (and often one and the same).
>> Actually, all women are omnivores in training. Only the men have a strict diet, unless we've entered into a different genre of film completely.
>> The world is bereft of teachers, accountants, bureaucrats, and other mundane professionals. (Naughty professors who never talk about their fields of expertise excepted.)
>> Nobody ever has to work in the morning.
>> Nobody ever runs out of condoms, so there's never any need for harried and embarrassing trips to 7-11 at two o'clock in the morning.
>> Women never worry about their reputations. They will, rather, be aroused by being described in terms that rhyme with "shirty floor."
>> Video cameras are ALWAYS welcome in the bedroom. And the bathroom, and the kitchen, and the office....
>> Women never start awkward conversations post-coitally, and so men never end up saying anything profoundly stupid that causes a four-hour row or three days of silent-treatment.
>> Women are never less than satisfied, except (of course) when they're being, er, satisfied. So when they talk to their girlfriends afterwards, they never use phrases like "it was alright, but..." and "I dunno, things just aren't working."
>> Similarly, the words "not right now" simply aren't strung together. Ever. Nor are the phrases, "I have something to tell you" and "I'm late."

And last, but by no means least: There's always proof on file. Age, after all, is only a state of mind when you're one of those irresistably hirsute old guys.

4:40 PM  

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